And so it begins.

Well, as you can imagine, a significant portion of our time and thoughts these days are devoted to "The Big Move". This past week was particularly focused on "The Big Move" as we printed, sorted, stuffed and stamped support letters, and as we attempted to pack some totes to send across the pond. A group from our church will be travelling there this next week, and offered to take some totes of our stuff with them, in hopes of lightening our load later this summer. (We go to church with SAINTS I tell ya!) I had a lot going on with work last week (which deserves an entirely separate post of its own - just imagine yours truly leading a seminar on how to have "THE TALK" with your kids at a MOPS convention), so my dear boy offered to begin packing the totes earlier in the week.

Now, as I have previously mentioned, I have a slight fixation with wanting to do the "best" thing. (And like I have also mentioned, me and Jesus are working on it.) But you can imagine the mental angst the whole idea of these totes was causing me. What is so important you need it to move around the world with you, but not so important you can't live without it for 3-4 months? I would find myself meandering around the house at all hours of the night and day last week with a slotted spatula in one hand and a box of Christmas ornaments in the other . . . just hoping for a divine revelation as to what should fill these mysterious totes. So last night, as I finally had time to devote fully to this project, I wander into the office to see what Baxter has deemed "worthy". This is what I find.

Ok, I get it. Books. Sure, very important. As a reader and holder of my own degrees as well, I absolutely affirm the value of being lifelong learners. Well done babe, well done. But this . . . really? THIS?!

Seriously people, I kid you not. A Hebrew lexicon was at the bottom of this tote (CoggDogg - I knew you would love this), and have no fear, was also accompanied by our Greek lexicon. These two items alone no doubt totaled about 10-15 lbs!! And when you're limited to 40 lbs per tote, let's just say these two gems hadn't quite crossed my mind as vitally important. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the fact that I married a smart cookie who loves to sharpen his mind in all forms and at all points in life - but let's just say this was a far cry from what I deemed as "tote worthy". As if cultural and language acquisition isn't going to be enough of a challenge - why not parse some Hebrew verbs while we're at it? It was just SO super fun during our seminary years, why not keep it going?! Good after dinner entertainment with friends, right?

After some good laughs at my precious little nerd, we both took a deep breath and re-evaluated. I decided that slotted spatulas just might be universal, and Baxter agreed that the Brown Driver Briggs Hebrew lexicon wasn't immediately necessary for our health and well being. In the end, here's what our office looked like:

While it was entirely weird to begin packing up a small part of our life to send it around the world, it was actually kind of freeing as well. I think somewhere along the way I had developed this idea that everything that went into these totes had to be discerned through prayer and fasting and maybe even a divining rod or two, and that were I to mis-pack, our health and ministry just might be doomed. (Note: Katie on lots of stress and little sleep isn't the most rational . . . i'm just sayin'.)

But as we sat amidst our piles of books, fleeces and Christmas decorations, we were able to assess what it is about our stuff that makes us, "us". And thankfully, we have been raised and surrounded by people who never have put signficant value on "stuff", so I don't feel like we're having to purge the very core of who we are to make our lives in this new context work. Rather we were able to evaluate the things around us that make us smile, that bring back a memory, or that we just plain enjoy. I have no doubt that we will get there and there will be some stuff that seems so insanely peripheral I will question my own sanity in including, and other things that I know I will equally question my sanity for leaving it.

But after we locked the last tote and got in bed last night, I laid in the dark thankful for a newfound freedom from the weight of worry over packing the "best" things. As we are engaging the Lord in this new and inevitably challenging phase of our lives - I find peace in knowing that He knew every bit of what He was getting when He called us to this. For all of my worry and perfectionism, I realized I was missing the joy that Lord would love and teach little 'ol crazy me in such a way, even through the angst of deciding what to take.

As we step towards all of this occasionally overwhelming new-ness, I have realized that it isn't my weight to carry alone, or even my journey to mess up. But in each phase, I have a precious husband, a loving community, and gracious God who are with me every step of the way; teaching and encouraging me even in my fear and doubt. So even if I do send boxes and boxes of the "wrong" stuff around the world, I choose to believe that the Lord just might use me and all my junk as well. If Jesus could use a little boys' offering of fish and loaves, I like to think that He just maybe could use my Christmas ornaments and slotted spatulas too.